Technical difficulties

It would seem that a cat is attempting to adopt me as its owner. It showed up on the deck last monday, and has not since departed despite numerous attempts to shoo, scoot, scare, chase, or otherwise dislodge said cat from the deck planks.

So, if any of said cat's friends or relatives are viewing this page, it would be much appreciated if the said cat in question could be removed. I realized the unlikelyhood of this page being viewed by any of the majestic feline species, and if so viewed, it is furter unlikely that it would be understood, and if understood, the odds are absolutely remote that they would be acted on, acted on successfully, or if acted on successfully, leading to optimal results.

That being said, I feel there is little else that lies within my power to remove said cat from my property outside of violence or meanness, violence and meanness being two things with which I am incapable of treating a cat - unless the cat in question be proven to be an evil cat, such as Zervok the Furricane of Death, the cat who led the other cats in the Great Rat Extermination of 1903.

This is why, despite the unlikelihood of cat action in response to this message, I offer a reward of ten cans of unpoisoned tuna to any cat who aids in the removal of the current cat fixture off my rear porch. I feel bad for that cat because I'm not even sure what it's eating and it's been raining a lot, but I simply can't A) afford a cat or B) deal with cat allergies, or C) cast a voodoo spell that will simply cause the obstacular cat to be sucked into some sort of magical vortex.

So I say unto ye, sweet cats, oh great felines of the world wide web, Call to your stubborn brother, make him see the light reflecting from the eyes of mice on the other side of my fence. Let him chase the mockingbirds into the trees of neighboring yards, and let him bury his feces by someone else's trashcans.

Fly well and deliver him.

Voosh.